There is a simple formula which I use in Separation
Rites, and it is one that is best explained, rather than presented as
a rite to follow. The rite is not one which the partners can simply
arrive at, say their piece and leave. There is much preparation needed,
and the only way these rites work is when the relevant people are wholly
active in the process.
Generally, when a couple come to me for guidance or
as a priest, I start with a session of talking through the situation.
Sometimes the couple both come (sometimes more than 2 people are involved),
but more often I see each person separately. There are times when only
one of the partnership is able or willing to do the rite, and although
not ideal, their process of ritual is still deeply worthwhile.
The purpose is to find
honour.
It is simply about a gift.
First, each partner is asked to spend time considering
all that they have gained from the relationship. It is important here
to distinguish between the pleasure of the relationship itself and the
learning we have gained for ourselves from that relationship;
the individual is seeking how the partnership has allowed him/her to
grow in learning, strength, beauty, creativity and understanding.
Although this can be hard when anger is at the fore,
acknowledging what we have gained is a potent way of settling the emotional
storm. We must ensure that we aren't holding onto lessons or things
gained in any possessive or competitive way. This is not about winning
points; it is about acknowledging true achievement. For what we truly
learned from the relationship, we can take with us as we walk away.
We can own the experience, and the strength, understanding, even wisdom
it has given.
When a relationship has been emotionally or physically
abusive, it can feel impossible to find anything that feels positive.
Gratitude can seem unreachable. If this state cannot be reached, the
individual is simply not ready for a rite of separation. Healing is
still needed.
Once this precious gratitude is found, however, each
person is encouraged to explore a way of saying thank you to the other
person. The process is of creating something from the inspiration of
what we have learned.
This thanks often comes in the form of a poignant gift.
If the couple are able to communicate and the rite is to be made together,
the gift can be given to the other person face to face, so directly
expressing the gratitude for all the positivity and learning. If the
other person is not able to be a part of the process, the gift might
be given to someone else ... a child, a charity, the earth as a whole.
We are not looking for acknowledgement or thanks in return: this is
our exchange for all we've gained and we are simply saying thank you.
Once the gift has been
decided
(and it can take months of healing and preparation
before reaching this stage),
it is time for the ritual.
Sometimes couples return to the place of their vows,
and sometimes with the priest who handfasted or witnessed their commitment
vows. Such rites can be done anywhere, however, and with anyone present.
Offerings are first made to the spirits of place and
the spirits of the ancestors, giving thanks and asking that they witness
what is done. If a couple wish, a full ritual circle, a Druidic temple,
can be cast, consecrated and blessed with awen, powers of nature, gods
and ancestors invited to be present, to witness and inspire. But often
this feels too formal and elaborate for such an intimate and often painful
ritual. The simplicity of silence, of each person present making offerings
to the spirits in their own way, and then taking time again in silence
to find presence, stillness and certainty: this is most often all that
is truly needed and wanted.
Once the stillness of sacred space is achieved, the
priest often asks the couple why they have come to this place, and each
is given the chance to answer for themselves.
The priest then explains that the rite of separation
is based on the exchange of honour, and asks each one to make their
exchange. Here, one at a time, the individuals speak of what they have
gained from their relationship, their partnership, their love. They
may speak of the other person's value, of what they have shared. They
speak of what they have learned.
And they give their gift
of gratitude.
The deeper the sincerity, the more powerful the rite.
There is sadness, heartbreak, tears, embraces, awkwardness,
pain. There is a sense of the future, opening out ahead, and that can
be terrifying, evoking more of the hurt that is loss. It is important
to allow the rite to pause where it needs to pause, to be silent where
it needs silence. And for that road ahead to become clear.
The priest, when she/he perceives a road there for
both individuals, asks if they are ready for her to close the rite,
and if so, she makes the necessary thanksgivings and prayers, opening
the circle/temple according to how formally it was created. When the
circle is open, she invites the two to take their steps forward, upon
their own separate roads.
Most often at this point,
the couple have decided to walk away
without turning back. And so it is done.
The priest clears the ritual site.
It is not an easy rite.
But it is powerful both in preparation and in practice.
Emma Restall Orr (Bobcat)
bobcat [at] druidnetwork [dot] org( bobcat [at] druidnetwork [dot] org )
